Why You Won’t Like The Red Knight (or how not to sell a book)

The Red Knight is like the film Aliens with swords and a dragon… but no aliens. It’s fantasy, but it’s not all, ‘thee and thou’, and maidens with silly headgear being rescued by intellectually challenged meatheads. It’s different, it’s good.

I could go on and probably will in other posts, but that’s not what this post is about. This is a public service post, because I’m nice like that.

As we all know, there’s a lot of guesswork involved in choosing what books to read, some might say too much. Sometimes you can’t judge a book by its cover, not unless every story is about soft core pr0n, people with hood fetishes, tattoos and/or improbable weapons.

You can’t trust reviews these days because, not only do ‘plebs’ write them, but it is said that some contain ancient Japanese curses that will kill you if you so much as glance at the page they’re scribed upon, let alone trust them to be an account of an individual’s taste in books.

So, I thought, rather than add to the noise and shout about how great my book is (it is, but I’m not shouting about it any more after the police bound me over),  I thought  I’d give you a clear signal; the SP, the low-down, the inside track, at least as far as my own novel is concerned. So put down the opium pipe, stop throwing cats at the postman, and grab a pencil.

You will not like The Red Knight if…

  1. You like your heroes to be Conan clones with mighty thews, tiny brains, and a penchant for rescuing (or indeed ravishing) maidens. Unfortunately, Garian Tain is a grubby little spy, and Knight-Captain Alyda Stenna isn’t a man at all! Neither of the protagonists are your typical ‘hero’ type, sorry.
  2. Your idea of a good female character runs more towards Bella than Boudicca. I forgive you… if you are under 15.
  3. You have a problem with same sex relationships.
  4. You don’t read small press/indie press stuff. You tar everyone with the same ‘badly produced’ brush without checking their shit out. Well, we don’t do ‘tudes like that round here. Now scat! Go on, git off ma blog and take yer narrow mind with ya!
  5. You don’t like sub-text or great plots or three-dimensional characters. You just want improbable stunts performed by nimdars from Japania and maybe some boobies and a bit of girly screaming. In which case, pass by old woman, this book isn’t for you.
  6. You want to read a book that is like the game of AD&D you played when you were 13. Again, sorry. I can’t help you there. This is epic shit, man, for growed ups; it’s got depth and everything.
  7. You only read books by famous authors. Why? Why do you do that?  Live a little, you won’t get ‘new author cooties’ if you read my book, I promise… I had my shots last week.
  8. You like reading the same old, same old. You don’t want the genre shaking up, you don’t want anything different to rock your lil’ old world.  *sigh* M’kay, have it your own way, but you’ll be sorry.
  9. You hate great dialogue and witty banter, and the kind of stories that leave you wanting more. (Tick this box and you are off the Christmas card list, theres only so much I can take.)
  10. You love descriptions of food. In fact you like nothing better than long, elaborate details of meals, from banquets to road snacks. Where’s your head at? Okay there is food in The Red Knight, but it’s referenced in passing. The story is about life, war, death, betrayal, love, and magic. You want food? Go watch Come Dine with Me.
  11. You don’t like fantasy. Silly as this may seem, some people read genres they absolutely do not like and then…don’t like what they read. Weird huh?

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